Saturday, September 17, 2016

scrubbing soaping washing healing

The first time I prayed I was somewhere else
my roots have always been far away so finding my body was expensive
though, when I was little, prayer came easy.

It’s just what we would do together, I could look at the floor, 
look at all the different feet and feel certain I wasn’t alone

I used to have true clarity of thought, maybe because I believed everyone was basically the same

We got convinced that being together is even harder than being alone,
so we make up stories about how connected we are, fashion Others from our minds and scrub them into our eyes like soap until we can’t see our own feet on the ground.

We run out of ourselves,
Then we run out of Others.
We get bored.
So, eyes still stinging,
we fly somewhere remote looking for more souls,
for the kind of strangers we won't see again
we touch their faces, get in their personal space like children putting their hands on the tv screen. 

think - maybe if I get close enough I’ll remember what it felt like to touch a person
Trying to reinvent futuristic feet instead of scrubbing the blood off the ones we already had.
instead of wading into the sediment left from years spent scrubbing each other out

We’re busy and important.
On weekends we pinch ourselves to make sure someone’s still there,
counting seconds between distractions,
waiting for hands to land on us

Saturday, August 27, 2016

m'shghoula

my father flew like a spore
blown, strewn across the ocean
sometimes people who talk about finding their roots forget the ocean 
my mother had sails, an anchor and she followed him here
i couldn't breathe
so i tied the rope from her sails to my waist
i dove, swam until there was no more water, then there was earth
i shoveled, burrowed until there was clay,
it got hotter and before my rope burned up and i turned to stone
I dug myself up and out
then there was almost air, i could smell it
the sun hit my nose
i poured the sand from my lungs.
breathing again, i slept on the beach
when i woke up, a man was there:
"How about a swim?"

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Ramadan Verse 2016

let commitment be more forceful than any one weakened body
let discomfort help us to feel worthy, to feel heavily human, not rushed or burdened
let hunger be a bow, fasting an arrow, the day a chance to be more kind, more patient, more gentle,
more discerning than any struggle convinced us was possible

Friday, June 26, 2015

marriage-bending: a fiction

Vacation for me is any time spent dreaming about an existence that lets me be in community, be with all of my family, feel loved and give love, heal myself and heal others without feeling split in two. I want to create or locate the cultural space where I can be happy. I want to generate possibilities for people to do the same things on their own terms. At the very least, I want to to gather far-flung and disparate musings, imaginings, rituals, relationships, performances, prayers, and fasts, and narrate them into just one romance. I want to matter, though I'm wrestling with the idea that this might be a flaw I've inherited.

I want to return stolen wealth. I want to confront and redress colonial trauma. I want to hold up the love I feel in all the waiting and listening when I sit with my uncles. I want to feel an abundance without taking more than I need. This may mean remaining unmarried in an increasingly marked way as I get older. Or it might mean being strategically and unromantically married to someone else,  maybe someone that also feels fictional sometimes. And I want to do all of these things in a way that is dutiful and accountable, not wasteful and egocentric. Pious, even. Can I do this with taqwa?

I'll likely fail. And I may or may not keep trying and keep imagining. Maybe I'll get tired and I'll just fucking get married. But the imagining does me a lot of good. I'm in a space where my imagination, the None-Of-The-Above, the empty spaces have been extremely important. I've kept my faith, my queerness in the cracks and I've actually been pretty happy. To me, today's media explosion about SCOTUS upholding marriage equality loudly proclaimed: this type of Love is really important. 

So, today I feel irrelevant, I feel like a frivolous and unlikely fiction. I think that's at least partially untrue, and I don't even feel bitter. But I had to at least say it: Other genders, other kinds of togetherness are possible. And it bears repeating that they aren't the kind that determine your access to healthcare, housing, or membership. The way they move you will not be measured by distance from a border or a nation.These are the fictions that I want to celebrate.

Monday, December 29, 2014

Cultural Labor + The Professorship of Oppression

Being unsafe has everything to do with the ways our various kinds of labor are valued and not valued. The familiar refrain often used to communicate this is “it's not my job to educate you about my oppression.” Expertise comes not just from experience, but labor. In attempting to meet the ambient, nagging expectation to justify and explain oneself, the marginal person is assumed to be doing the labor of self-understanding and self-discovery. What the privileged person rarely understands is that for them, self-discovery is not it's own kind of unique, separate labor. The cis straight able-bodied white man discovers himself in children's books, on television, at awards ceremonies, in laboratories, and at the doctor's office. The entire world is built around the process of his own introspection. Safe spaces have been built for him everywhere and always, usually on the basis of occupying, stealing, appropriating, or destroying others' spaces, resources, and bodies, and on wasting their time.


I can't discover myself on television or at my job, only through the creation of new structures. Safety is in the between spaces and times of my own creation and carving, using whatever stolen resources have been redirected to me, or that I have redirected or stolen myself. We must work overtime, for free, just to understand ourselves, just to read the world into enough sense so that we might function. We often fail at this, as anyone working free overtime might, and so we malfunction. Our histories, our values have been slowly and not-so-slowly erased, and it takes hours of labor to rediscover and recreate them. We read, research, sing, dance, craft, write, speak, grow, play, and paint in whatever space and time we can un-steal. Sometimes we also do this in space and time that we steal from people even more marginal than ourselves. This creative work is just that, work, and it has value. We build communities around it, and those communities are often the only thing keeping us alive. Despite this, Black Studies, for example, is drastically underfunded. My friend Gabrielle Smith, an Africana Studies major at Barnard, put it like this: “You’re not supposed to study yourself.”

Meanwhile, the white graduate student is often paid to do this cultural work, standing in for those that would probably prefer to do it on their own. For them it's usually not a matter of survival, safety, or soundness of mind. They are materially valorized for exploring and probing others, having already discovered themselves everywhere and always, in the abundance of space and time created for them by various acts of violence. This is whiteness. It's safe.

Marginality on the other hand, makes a professor of you the day you are born. You can only legitimately publish yourself into existence through hours of simultaneously researching yourself and teaching others. You don't get paid for any of this. It is extremely difficult.

Monday, September 15, 2014

normal and crazy

The lady who cleans my office had intussusception.
That’s when your intestines fold neatly into each other like clean socks.
The pain is excruciating, she hadn’t eaten in three days.

but her telescoping insides didn’t quite deserve a sick day.


i wrote an essay about her. she said in her philly accent
“No one’s written about me before! You’re makin me feel all important.”
my colleague said ‘of course you’re important!’

i gave her a hug because my body is a nice guy
laughing she said,
‘since we all love each other, can i get your paychecks this week?”


I've heard this joke before.
And I laughed with her because I’m in the same. body. as everyone else.


This is normal.
Disregard the proposition
Diagnose her as crazy
And we’ll have a good laugh.
Such smooth pleasantries are becoming of my young man’s body.


Later, I go to my doctor and tell him I don’t feel right.
He says you’re fine. This is fine.


You’re just having a quarter life crisis.
What he meant was, 

“My drugs treat your complicity, but not her trauma.”


He said there’s a nice guy in the clinic you can talk to.
What he meant was,

“I can’t help you if you don’t want to be normal.
My medicine won’t help you deal with anything but your own guilt,
It won’t even help you give away your paycheck.
and I will never
help you locate the kind of crazy you’re looking for.
I don’t want to. Because I’m a nice guy.”

I've heard this joke before.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Saha Ramdankoum: Redistribute yourself!

Last year was the first year that I honestly said “I think I’m over fasting.” I felt frail, unattractive, and unproductive. I would get back from a day of work where I struggled to stay awake, farting heinous, irregular farts and praying to just be left alone in my wretchedness. Postgrad life is hard enough on its own, so why on earth would I handicap myself in this way? I told my older sister this and she seemed disappointed. I found pretty much all the wrong ways to justify giving up on it, that the Quran was homophobic, that Islam left me out anyway. I've only recently begun trying to articulate the fallacy of this, though many others do it better than I could.
A year later, Ramadan is on its way back, arriving a little earlier than the white man’s calendar expects, as always. I’m excited, and I want to try to explain why
I always felt somewhat self-righteous about my fasting, but it actually wasn’t until I met a black Christian girl in college who fasted with me, that I learned some new language to validate a ritual that today, actually feels pretty radical. She framed it within a bigger story about consumption that I hadn’t seen mapped on to Ramadan before, and it clicked: “America is about ME and NOW.” Since then, I’ve been trying to craft an understanding of the fast as an interruption of this.
It isn’t just about not eating and not having sex, though I think these are important sites for that interruption. Pretty much anywhere, but especially in the U.S., the way we eat relies on cheap and abusive labor, much (or even a majority) of which is done by women who also bear the burden of unpaid domestic work. I sometimes like to think of sex as another kind of consumption, another structure we sometimes can’t help but adorn with misogyny, racism, and other oppressive power dynamics disguised as innocently aestheticized “preferences” and fetishes. Of course, we generally participate in these systems whether we want to or not. But it fills me with power to say “Actually, no, I’m doing fine without these things.” I literally have to say this things all day because everyone thinks I’m crazy for doing it. But for reasons that have evolved over time, I’ve been doing it for over ten years, and I’m still here!
Traditionally, people who are fasting don’t just stop eating, they prepare food for the poor while they’re at it. Fasting is about humility, it’s about leaving for others all the things you know very well you can do without. That’s redistribution! What if Ramadan were about rejoicing in resource redistribution, so that everyone is better off? That’s something we can enjoy and celebrate.

But fasting is more than just this! It’s a slowing down. It’s being so tired that you can’t help but decenter yourself, that your life is no longer about the things you consume and the things you produce, but creating a practice out of aiming for something more important than ME, because so much of our work and play revolves around an economy of ME. So this year, I’m not going to lament the lost productivity, or the lost opportunity to invest an inordinate amount of labor into my one finite, transient body. I’m going to do my best to stop planning MY future for a while. I’m going to do some cooking so my mom can relax and pray. I might even pray myself. I’m going to make eye contact. I’m going to let my muscles atrophy, because they won’t last forever, and I don’t need them anyway.
This year I welcome Ramadan as a disruption during which we can bring more people into this abundance by doing the kinds of work that are undervalued and erased by capitalism. I’m going to give people my time, I’m going to listen, I’m going to give, I’m going to wait, and wait, and I will not configure a space for these things on my resume. These things are fasting.
I don’t think fasting is about self-deprivation or chaste endurance. Fasting is when you take in the people and love around you and say “This is enough, alhamdoulilah.” At the same time, we work to make sure that marginalized and oppressed people can say the same thing. Saha Ramdankoum.